Shutout Page 4
“What are you doing, Hayes?” she asks. Her tone is velvet and sweet but blended with steel in each syllable.
Yeah, what are you doing, Hayes? My devil repeats.
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
Another truth. I’m seriously just damned if I do, and fucked if I don’t with her. I’m in a spiderweb, struggling to get free but also enjoying being wrapped up comfortably in her hold.
“I’m going to need you to figure it out,” she censures. “I can’t keep doing this.”
I pull my attention from her, staring at the red brick wall behind her. “I know.”
“You know but you keep doing it.”
I lock my jaw. I’m hurting her. And my selfish tendencies win out every single time.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter. “I don’t know what to do.” She scoffs, which gathers my focus back on her.
“I’m not going to beg you to decide. Shit, I tried to keep you away from me, but this game you’re playing—”
“It’s not a game,” I chide.
“Then what is it? If you can’t have me, no one will?”
I cock my head to the side and raise my brow. “Something like that, I guess.”
Reaching behind me, I pull my cigarettes out of my back pocket, taking one out with my lips.
“Colson,” Sawyer seizes. “You can’t do that.” I start to light my fag, but her hand flies around and knocks it out of my mouth. “Listen to me!”
My face twists. “You could’ve burnt yourself! Watch what the hell you’re doing, didn’t your parents teach you about fire?!”
“Fuck your stupid lighter. I’m not having a repeat of being dragged down the hallway or embarrassed in public by you again. Do you want me or not?”
I swallow, clutching my box of Marlboros in my hand. “Loaded question.”
“Simple question.”
“What the fuck do you want from me, Bases?” I gripe. “You want me to confess my undying love to you?”
She stares at me, trying to read me. She won’t get shit from me, I’m closed up, confused, and in a non-negotiable mood of releasing my feelings.
“No,” she counters finally. “I want you to tell me the fucking truth.”
I pull another cigarette out. “I already did.”
“That was an oxymoron.”
“I’m not going to stand around watching you kiss other guys in front of me again.” I light my cancer stick, letting the first hit fill my lungs and drown my erratic emotions.
“Like you just did with my best friend?”
“I wasn’t forking out fifty bucks for next year’s team. Even though I just fucking did it anyways.”
“What about the redhead at the Mardi Gras party?”
“Told you about that too.”
“And that’s a good excuse? You wanted to forget me, Colson. Forget me then.” She takes a step toward me. A dangerous one for both of us because my skin is itching to touch her.
“Stay out of my way,” she says slowly. “Leave me alone. Focus on the scouts, not me. I don’t exist anymore in your world, you’ve never heard of a girl named Sawyer Boyd. Because I can’t do this with you anymore.”
My mind agrees, it hears everything she’s saying. Understands that it’s torture for me to tell her I can’t do this but not let her enjoy anyone else.
But my heart, it convicts everything.
It begs to be near her, to keep and make Sawyer happy. It longs for a future, to remember a past with her, even though it was fucked up how we started.
My silence makes Sawyer restless, causing her to turn on her heel, but my hand darts out to stop her.
“Bases,” I mutter. “Don’t leave.”
“I want to leave. Let me make this easy for you.”
I shake my head. “Nothing you could do could possibly make this easy for me.”
“Well, I’m not transferring.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“And I’m not switching out of my classes.”
I give her a weak smile. “That’d be stupid.”
She gives a weak lift of her shoulders, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. “Then we’re at a standstill. You just claimed me as—whatever and threatened everyone again, yet you don’t want me.”
“I threatened one guy.”
“One guy too many,” she retorts.
“You couldn’t have just listened and stopped being so fucking hardheaded when I told you to stop dating Gavin.”
“Stop trying to blame this on me. Would that have made you not like me? You always want what you can’t have, right? That makes the chase so much more fun.” I take another hit of my cancer stick and continue to watch her gape at me like I’m some sort of answer to all the problems we’re having.
I’m not the solution, I’m the fucking dilemma.
“What are you scared of?” she exhales. When I don’t respond right away, she says, “Aw, damn, I forgot you’re too big and bad to tell me.”
“Shut up, Bases.”
“It’s true, you’re scared.”
I bring my cigarette to my lips, needing to give myself something to do. “Whatever.”
Sawyer shakes her head, pursing her lips together. “You sound like a pussy.”
“What?”
“You heard me.” She takes a large step away from me. “We’ll see how long you can hold out without losing your damn mind.”
I perk a brow. “Is that a threat?”
“Not a threat or a promise. It’s a fact.”
I flick my ashes to the side. “Don’t do well with those.”
“Sounds like a personal fucking problem.” Spinning on her heels, she walks away. I watch her hair bounce, replaying her words in my head. There is nothing she could do worse than just not being with me.
Which is right fucking now.
“We’ll just need your signature on this page, Mr. Hayes, and you’re done.” I glance up at the middle-aged woman sitting across from me, her index finger by the last signature line of my last closing document.
I stare at it, slowly inking my name to the paper, then my eyes land on the date line.
Date: Date me
I remember it like it was yesterday. Sawyer sitting behind me in Mr. B’s class, ignoring me as usual, avoiding my entire existence. Thing was, she was fucking horrible at it, but she kept trying anyway.
Date me.
If it were only that simple at the time. When I asked her, I wholeheartedly expected her to go into flee and flight mode, which she did. I never thought I’d actually get her to come around, but when she kissed me underneath the stands at the football game we went to on our “hang out”, I was done for.
Entirely done and ruined for anyone else.
I glance over at Sawyer, who is sitting next to me. She gives me a weak smile, and I try to read what she’s thinking. What she truly wants.
We’re back to being awkward. Sawyer’s been rattled up about her flighty ass sister walking into her apartment while I’m kicking myself in the balls for taking her home that first night from the bar.
Goes to show that girls like Skylar should come with a warning label because when I got off work on Wednesday to find Sawyer’s door locked and the landlord not having the new keys, things officially turned back to fucked up again.
I refrained from sending her a text, she needs time, I get it.
But I’m not going to force myself into her life—she has to want to start new with us. However, I’m not sure how long I can hold on to my sanity when I know chaos is brewing inside her head.
I sign today’s date and slide the paper back over to the lady from the title company who proceeded with the entire closing.
“Congratulations, Mr. Hayes, on your new home.” She extends her hand across the table, and I shake it.
“Thank you.”
Sawyer pushes her chair back and stands. “Thank you, Cindy, we really appreciate it.”
Cindy takes her hand and smiles. “Anything for you, Sawyer. Tell your father I said hello.”
“Absolutely.” I rise with Sawyer, ready to start my new life back in the town where I fell in love and was shattered all in one.
We make our way out, Sawyer has all my paperwork in her hands, as she pulls her phone out of her pocket.
“Bases, let me carry some of that,” I offer.
She continues to walk ahead of me. “Hold on, just a second.” I listen to her speak with someone, using vague words while opening the door and holding it for me as I walk through.
I soak her in under the sunlight, a peach dress that goes to her knees but shows off every single one of her curves.
I’ve seen Sawyer wear cute little dresses, ones that cascade and flow aimlessly around. But this dress, it’s like a second skin. It’s sexy, daring, something I’ve never seen Sawyer in or ever thought she’d wear.
In my dreams, yes.
In real life, I was hoping not.
Lord, if she walked around like this on a daily basis, I’d spend my whole life beating half the town’s ass and hiring a security detail for when I wasn’t around.
“Follow me to your house,” Sawyer orders, shoving my paperwork into my chest then making her way to her car.
“Bases,” I surmise. “What are you doing?”
She gives me a smile over the roof of her car. “You’ll see.”
So I do what I’m told, trailing behind her to my brand-new house. She parks in the driveway and practically skips toward the front door.
My first thought is where the fuck are my movers? It’s around one in the afterno
on, they’re probably at lunch, so I continue following Sawyer up the walkway and onto the porch.
“Close your eyes,” she says softly, standing in front of the doorway.
“Is this when you finally off me, Bases?”
She smirks. “Maybe.” I close my eyes and feel her hand wrap around mine. “Watch the step on your way in.”
I do, aimlessly following her wherever she leads. We only go a few feet before we come to a stop, but she doesn’t say anything, leaving us in the silence of my new home.
“This is poetic,” I chant. “Killing me in —”
“Shut up, Hayes, and open your eyes.”
They fly open, immediately landing on her, and fuck, I want to kiss her right now.
She’s so damn close, smells like coconut and some other shit. She fits in this house, in my life, so much so that I want her in everything.
I just want her.
Over the course of the last decade, she’s the only one who always assaulted my mind with memories and faded hopes. I could never rid the ghost of her.
The ghost of us.
All the wasted time, the forgiveness I could never give because she hurt me too much. She broke my fucking heart, and I felt every single one of those pieces fall to the floor that day.
Mentally, I’ve shut off the replay in my mind, but being home, it seeps in from time to time and I’m at a crossroads. One we haven’t talked about since I’ve been back.
Do I even want to at this point? To open up that can of worms that needs to just stay nailed and enclosed forever?
“Stop looking at me and look around,” Sawyer scolds, her sexy lips quirking in a grin.
I pry my eyes away and into the family room, where all my furniture is perfectly laid out. The walls are now painted a light mocha brown, with pictures that I don’t remember being there before on the walls, one over the fireplace that is lit with a small fire.
The kitchen behind Sawyer is pristinely clean with some of my appliances and dishes already put neatly in its spot. Outside the sliding glass door is a patio set that I didn’t buy, with a blue umbrella.
How in the fuck did all this happen while I was signing papers for the closing?
I bring my attention back to Sawyer, who is still smiling at me. “Surprise.”
“How did this all happen?”
“I told your movers to come yesterday while you were staying at Ben’s.”
I raise a brow. “How did you know I was staying at Ben’s?”
“I texted him.”
“Where did the patio set come from?”
She peers over her shoulder at it. “I bought it at a garage sale.”
I flex my fingers. “A garage sale?”
“Mhm. But you haven’t seen the best part.”
“You sure?” I inch closer to her. “Because you’re in my new house, Bases.”
She turns me around by my shoulder and points toward the ceiling. “The chandelier is gone.”
I chuckle, shoving my hands into my pockets. “Damn. You got rid of the one thing I hated the most in this house.”
“Didn’t take too long, one of the movers did it for me.” I turn on my heels to face her again, letting my eyes shamelessly fall over her body.
“Did you wear that dress when you asked?”
She rolls her eyes. “No.”
“Did you wear it for me?” Her cheeks flush pink. I’ve never liked the color so much until she started to wear it so flawlessly.
“Why does everything have to be for you, Hayes?”
My index finger brushes the side of her face. Just the feel of her soft skin is addictive, destructive, making me want to say and do things that shouldn’t be formulating in my head right now.
“Because sometimes I like to think that when it comes to you, it is,” I murmur.
“I did,” she states. “Thought you’d like it.”
My lips quirk. “I more than like it. I hope you didn’t pay too much for it.”
“I got it on clearance.”
My quirk cracks into a broad smile, and I lower my face toward her. “Good because I’ve been wanting to rip it off your body since you showed up in it.”
She bites the inside of her lip. “We’re not done with the tour.”
“Can we be for ten minutes because—”
She pouts. “But you haven’t seen the best part.”
It’s at the tip of my tongue.
The best part of all this is her. A new beginning, her in my new chapter, and how I want to forget everything that’s happened between us.
Except for all the good memories and how much I loved her so long ago.
“Okay,” I hesitantly agree. “Lead the way.”
I follow her like an obedient dog, watching her ass take the steps while my hands itch to grab her round globes. Striding down the hallway to the master bedroom, we reach the door and she walks in, standing aside to let me follow.
And when I do, I freeze.
My bed and furniture are all organized, but that’s not what makes my feet cease to move.
It’s the walls.
The soft green walls that canvas the drywall. The mossy color of Sawyer’s eyes, the same one that makes my body lax but tighten with the need to feel her all over and under me.
“Holy fuck,” I mutter, taking in everything that she’s done in such a short amount of time.
“I painted it myself,” she beams. “Thought it’d be fitting.” I begin to shake my head, the words slowly sinking in.
While the last three days of not seeing or speaking to her have stung, this takes away everything.
It pricks at my skin, makes my heart shutter in response to the time she invested in something for me, all while I thought she was contemplating on ways to stay away.
“You don’t know what you did,” I tell her. “You put yourself in my room. My bedroom.”
“I know what I did.”
I peer over at her, my brows descending at her words. “What are you saying?”
She takes a small step in my direction, keeping her gaze locked onto mine. “I’m saying that I want what I think you want. I want us to give this a shot.”
“Are you sure?”
Stop giving her a reason to double guess shit, dumb ass.
She nods. “I’m sure.”
My fingers find her waist, and I pull her into my chest. “I’m never going to let you go, Bases, so think long and hard about it. I’m giving you your only out.”
“Why the hell do you think I painted something of me into these walls?” She rises on her tiptoes. “I don’t want to be free of you.”
Her lips touch mine, innocent and sweet, while her arms wrap around my neck, sealing her words. But when her tongue enters my mouth, my self-control starts to fade away. Her remarks don’t feel real, but they duplicate in my head over and over again.
I want them to be true and intangible. They feed into every aspiration and fantasy that I have about us, how we end up back together in a perfect alignment of events. How she craves my touch as much as I love having her against me with my lips tasting and teasing her skin.
“Thank you,” I murmur in between kisses. “This means everything to me.” She answers by deepening our kiss.
I let her take the lead, reveling in how she wants to kiss me. How she lets her body do the talking and that it isn’t just me trapped in a vortex of emotions.
I can never get close enough to Sawyer Boyd.
I’ll never leave her again.
She belongs to me, I belong to her, and that’s how it’ll always stay.
There’s no one else for me.
“I hope I picked the right color,” Sawyer murmurs into my lips.
“I love it,” I reply, pulling away to see her face. “It’s perfect, like you. Like it’s always been you. I love you, Sawyer. I’ve loved you forever.”
My chest tightens as my words unearth from my soul. They’re choking me even though it’s the truth. I’m apprehensive for her to know. I don’t know if it’s because she might not feel the same way anymore or the fact that I’m putting myself out there a second time to the same woman.
Regardless, I fucking said them.
I said them, and I’ll reap those consequences if they become my entire downfall.
“I just needed you to know,” I convey. “That I’m terrified of you. But it never has nor will it ever stop my heart from latching on to you. I’ll never be free of you, something about you just won’t let me go.”
“Colson,” Sawyer croaks, her eyes glazing over in tears. “I—” I shake my head, halting her words.